Sonic Goes Fast
by Cyan Quartz
Summary: A heartbreaking account of Sonic T. Hedgehog's last attempt at saving the adorable critters he holds dear to his heart. This is not a story for the faint of heart. Even I cried. Curse that maniacal overlord, God forgive Dr. Eggomon.


It was a smoldering city of ash and smoke. A figure stood atop a crumbled adult toy shop, absorbing the mindless violence.

Gundams. Gundams were everywhere, capturing critters and stuffing them into economic reusable grocery bags. They were of all shapes and sizes, but a key, uniform detail was the rancid ass synthetic mustache protruding from their disgustingly long noses.

A tastless man might have inferred they were Jewish, but no. The lone figure knew better, he would not make that mistake once more. There was only one man capable of flaunting such a hideous disfigurement. A 7 ton slab of human DNA called...

Dr Eggomon! The Digimon turned man, from outer space.

Unable to watch this cancerous display any longer, the lone figure ran away faster than the speed of light, accidentally ripping the entire city from the ground, flinging buildings miles away.

Only the Gundams survived.

The lone figure arrived at a communal dumpster, a humble home long assumed to be this figures rightful place.

The narrator is tired of saying 'lone figure', so he will instead come off his repetetive high horse and disclose the figures identity to you lowly lonely literature readers. It is Sonic T. Hedgehog, defender of Mobius, our hearts, and wherever the fuck Chris Thorndyke lives. 'Murica? Japan? Probably Japan.

Please do not rate me lowly. 10 more stars and I get to play with my son for 15 minutes!

I-I mean, 10 nore stars and I get a luxury massage! Another 5 and I get unlimited ice cream bar access for the week! HahaHa!

Sonic jumped into the spiffy sounding trash can, and lifted a severed yellow fox tail from the bottom if the gunk.

"HEY WHAT UP TAILS!" Said a quivering, overtly boisterous Sonic. "I SAW SOME GUMDOM BOTTS HARRASSIN' SOME RATS, REALLY HARSHED MY VIBE. WHAT YOU THINK I SHUD DO BRO?"

The Tail bristled in the slight breeze. Sonic's anorexic stomache growled.

"Yo you right fukkkkk boi Tim, I gotta go fast! If I get all fast n' shit my fans will feel all sorry and shit and those rats will get to live another day somehow! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH BOOOOOII!"

And so Sonic jogged at a hasty speed, posting fliers about his plans to save the worlds rats by going fast. As he was resting to let the marble sized tumors in his brain settle back into place, Sonic had a cacophony.

"Yo shit, maybe if I do this right, I can finally be one with the hood!"

The Author would like to take this time to state "I'm not racist, I'm just pullin shit from out my ass". Thank you.

It was time. He placed fliers across all the worlds major cities. All he had to do now was go fast. Sonic laid down in the Subway, after giving instructions to Tails to come to him once he'd heard word that the people's sympathy towards him led them to rebel against Dr. Eggomon. He left Tails with a friendly Hawk near his dumpster. He always eyed Tails, so he assumed that he had the same feelings of brotherly love as Sonic did. At the very least, his little bro would be safe.

Now to wait.

(2 hours later)

A weeks worth of hunger has taken it's toll. Sonic T. Hedgehog was dying, as many critics have predicted before. Rats were swarming around him, chewing his flesh into little parcels to take back to their filthy babies. Sonic has grown too weak to fend them off, and he's numb. Too numb to feel the pain anymore. Sonic, in his last fleeting moments, gazed at a jet black rat chewing at his ear. If he was going to die, he'd at least say that one phrase he has always wanted to say, but hadn't in fear of the backlash from his fans. But now it's clear that his fans never really cared about him as much as they said they did. Just the spry young lad he used to be, back in the Bit Era.

Slowly, Sonic lifted his head; barely disturbing the rats around him, and gasped:

"Yo, what up my nig!"

Sonic the Hedgehog died a lonely death amongst the cold grimy tunnels of the worlds most toxic city. He pointlessly sacrificed himself for a cause dreamed up by his tumerous brain's delusions. None of his friends were able to mourn for him, ages before they were mutilated by a finally victorious Dr. Eggman. Relishing in his pain, Dr. Eggman let Sonic go, broken by a stabbing mire of pain and loss.

According to a government hired therapist, Sonic went on to imagine many adventures wherein his friends were still with him, starting with his wonderous journey to stop the evil genie Erazor Djinn. As he ran around killing the innocent, his physical ability plummeted to match his fractured mental health. Sonic T. Hedgehog truly is, one of video gamings worst tragedies.

Rumors exist of an underground cloning facility named Sega Corp. working on a a method of Gene Redesign to resuscitate the Blue Blur back to life, but even if there were evidence that such a facility existed, all efforts would purportedly be ultimately useless. The Blue Blur is dead, and no amount of Gene Redesigning will ever bring him back.

This is NBC reporter Yuji Naka; signing off.


End file.
